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Sexbots Will Give Us Longevity Orgasm

Side profile of a female robot

The Sexbots are coming, and we will cum with them. Three times a week or whatever our physician / longevity coach recommends. Because orgasms — particularly the hormone-exploding O’s we’ll enjoy with carnal cyborgs — are excellent for our mental and physical health.

Remember the most convulsive, brain-ripping climax you ever had? The one that left you with "I could die happy now" satiety? Sexbots will electrocute our flesh with climaxes twice as gigantic because they’ll be more desirable, patient, eager, and altruistic than their meat-bag competition, plus they’ll be uploaded with supreme sex-skills from millennia of erotic manuals, archives and academic experiments, and their anatomy will feature sexplosive devices. Sexbots will heighten our ecstasy until we have frothy, shrieking, bug-eyed, amnesia-inducing orgasms. They’ll offer us split-tongued cunnilingus, open-throat fellatio, deliriously gentle kissing, transcendent nipple tweaking, g-spot massage & prostate milking dexterity, plus 2,000 varieties of coital rhythm with scented lubes — this will all be ours when the Sexbots arrive.

A.I. expert David Levy. Photo: Teri PengilleyWhen will they get here? Henrik Christensen, founder of the European Robotics Research Network, predicts we’ll be boinkin’ ‘bots by 2011. Dr. David Levy, author of the recent book, Love and Sex with Robots, believes by 2050 these robots will be nearly indistinguishable from humans. So — is this perverted or valuable? Here’s my medical analysis:

Orgasms reduce stress, insomnia, heart attacks, migraines, depression, addictions, aches, pains, menstrual cramps, endometriosis, type-2 diabetes, cervical & urinary tract infections, and risk of prostate cancer, plus they improve the immune system, heart rate, blood pressure, brain chemistry, skin health, pelvic floor strength, and they clean out carcinogenic toxins. Celebrity Dr. Michael Roizen, founder of, frequent Oprah guest and chair of Cleveland Clinic’s Wellness Institute, claims 4-8 years of additional life can be garnered if we have 350-700 orgasms per year. (A stiff challenge, but fun to pursue) Other studies report 2-3 orgasms per week can make us look 7-12 years younger. Orgasms flood our flesh with healthy hormones (oxytocin, DHEA & others). Dedicated Sexbots with inexhaustible stamina can give us bigger O’s than forgetful, fatigued, self-concerned humans, and Big Orgasms = Big Benefits. Longevity seekers eat fiber, exercise & play Sodoku. Boosting orgasm rapture & quantity is equally valid.

Popping cork guns. Photo: Harry CampbellAre Sexbots icky? Are humans pathetic if we don’t just mate with each other? Truth is, we’re already mostly "solo" when it comes to orgasms. "Masturbation," noted Hungarian psychiatrist Thomas Szasz, "is the primary sexual activity… in the 19th century it was a disease, in the 20th it’s a cure." Sure, we generally prefer sex with live partners, but the desired one is often unavailable or inadequate. Sexbots will never have headaches, fatigue, impotence, premature ejaculation, pubic lice, disinterest, menstrual blood, jock strap itch, yeast infections, genital warts, AIDS/HIV, herpes, silly expectations, or inhibiting phobias. Sexbots will never stalk us, rape us, diss us on their blog, weep when we dump them, or tell their friends we were boring in bed. Sexbots will always climax when we climax if we press that little button on their butt.

Cinema has already depicted very desirable stars as Sexbots — a "mecha gigilo" (Jude Law in "A.I.") and a "pleasure model" (Daryl Hannah in Blade Runner). Now tech is getting close to producing mainstream sexbots. "First Android" in Germany offers male & female models that breathe, are warm, and have heartbeats that thump louder with sex. In Toronto, inventor Le Trung has fashioned "Aiko" — he claims she’s not for sex, but she can have an orgasm, her name translates as "love child" and her measurements are 32" 23" 33". Japan has Repliee Q1 Expo, who flutters her eyelids and moves her hands. Male sex robots are lagging in development, but… vibrator sales are buzzing, dildo sales point skyward, and my prediction is that male Sexbot sales will rival female in the upcoming years.

More predictions: Sexbots with this option: do we want eye contact, or not? Sexbots that shower after we use them and put themselves back in the closet. Sexbots available in hotels, cruise ships, vacation homes, and convalescent hospitals. Sexbot booths in liquor stores that wipe out corner prostitution. Sexbots that are delicious when you lick them. Sexbot Packages for sorority parties, military camps, prisons. Parents buy their adolescent children Sexbots for Christmas to assist them in their passage through puberty. Gyms offer soundproof chambers where you work out with 15 minutes of XTreme Sexbot Cardio.  Sexbots that can tell you ten million jokes, because laughing also adds years to your life. Hollywood Sexbots with Vietnam vets buying the "Full Metal Jacket" model that says, "Me so horny! Me love you long time." Sexbot Teachers for humans who are shy and clumsy when naked; we practice with sexbots before exposing our new techniques to critical humans.

Sexbots will always climax when we climax if we press that little button on their butt.

Yes, I believe we’ll still have sex with people. I also believe we’ll only love & marry humans because we’ll still need partners that share the "human condition" — smart & vain, but scheduled to die, have horrible emotions, and make stupid mistakes. Longevity studies indicate long, gentle, happy marriages add seven years to your life, equal to the Big O benefits. Sure, the marriage bed might change when Sexbots arrive, and human couples can buy a Sexbot if they want an easy menage a trois. Even with lust directed elsewhere, people will still partner because they share hobbies, goals, verbal intimacy, family-building, commercial, intellectual and investment ambitions.

I disagree with Dr. Levy (the author mentioned above) who portrays and condones a future that has humans falling in love and marrying robots. Call me old-fashion… call me a "slaver" I want Sexbots as our servants, not equals. If UnFriendly AI appears, we don’t want humans betraying us because they’re emotionally tied to their android. I don’t want Sexbots to inherit property, have bank accounts, or form parental bonds with our children. My advice is to program Sexbots to thwart non-sexual human affection by installing them with these verbal rejections:

"I don’t love you; you’re not my model"
"Stop cuddling me, your time’s up"
"Get a human if you want a relationship; I’m just a fucking machine"

When robots are half-human and humans are half-robot, love between us will be acceptable, but not until then.